so last night, elliot and i had a talk about i guess us. it kind of came about very unexpectedly—well unexpected on my part at least. i did not assume things like we were having dependency issues as much as he noted. i think even though i would tell him and everybody else i am okay to go through with this for now, i’m still a little unhappy about it.
essentially, i guess it boils down on a couple things. he thinks we are getting too dependent on each other and we aren’t coping. true. he thinks we should spend more time apart. probably a good idea. but just spontaneously deciding without asking me is quite rude. i guess i saw us as in a relationship, so if we wanted to slow things down, we should talk about it and agree on it, not having one person deciding the next move. it’s rather frustrating and sometimes even quite demeaning. i know he doesn’t mean bad. so i guess i’ll just have to get over it.
another issue we’re having is that he keeps thinking i am way out of his league and am too good of a girlfriend for him. frankly, i agree. but acknowledging it isn’t going to do anything if he feels like what he is doing a poor job as a boyfriend. he just needs to get himself together and be better at being a boyfriend! that leads into yet another problem… he isn’t willing to commit. not now at least. i get it. we’re both young and should enjoy college life and such. but i don’t see why both a committed relationship and a fun college life can’t flourish concurrently. it feels as if we’re playing catch-up in the maturity game. i am more ready to settle and be over with this college ordeal, whereas he still wants to do drunken dumb stuff. all that can really make this work is if i just let go and deal with it.
but what i am getting here is that i have all these things i want to do and i feel like i have to compromise some of what i want to make the relationship work. i don’t mind it at first, because i perceived as it as sacrificing for somebody i really want to be with. yet sometimes i wonder if he is doing the same for me. maybe i am just being ungrateful and should start being thankful and endure the next three years or so college-style like he’d like it. or, alternatively, we could break up. we’d try and get over each other. and ideally get back together when he’s more ready to be in a relationship again and provide more stability in the relationship (probably in at least three or four years time. but who knows where either of us will be then).
at this point, i am just wondering whether our break up is inevitable and that we are delaying the reality of sadness that will drown us. but even beyond the issue of giving each other space, morally speaking, i have no certainty that he will ever go to church or live a Christian life. in that case, i don’t think i can ever go through being with him—not unless i stop being an active Christian as well. logically speaking, it would be better for him to stop seeing me as well.
right now, all i know is that i really like him and i want to be with him. i just don’t like the odds of thinking of the future. and i think as long as i can maintain this attitude of having fun and think NOW instead of future i should be okay.
